Love...RAD style

Today has been hard on my newest son...and his brother who shares his room. He lost his computer power cord today, and decided that meant he should "borrow" his brother's cord. This started an hour long whine fest about how he was being honest, he didn't take his brother's, etc. All the while, I was *trying* to say "I know. I get it. I'm not mad. Help me find the other cord." He had a crying, whining meltdown.

I sat in a chair in front of him, because my back was killing me and he had conveniently staged this revolt directly adjacent to our desk in our bedroom. He informed me that he did NOT want a hug, nor to sit with me. I told him that was fine, totally his choice, but did he mind if I sat because my back was sore. He took control of that moment and let me know that my sitting was fine, as long as I didn't want to hug right then. Fine by me buddy, you need to control it way worse than I do right now. I get that. So he and I talked for a bit. He left to go back to his room, I left to go downstairs to search the family minivan and miniSUV for the missing cord. Seemed like a reasonable use of my time, because I didn't care WHO found the cord, only that equilibrium was restored so the sons x2 could get back to being buddies, not fighting.

Fast forward about ten minutes, and my son came out to the minivan where I was working. His goal? To see if I had found the cord and to spend some time attached to my hip. Praise God. I know that he *needs* this time with Mom. I had invited him to help, but he wasn't ready until then. He stayed and chatted, looked under a few seats, gleefully accepted the math workbook I had found of his in the hatchback (he LOVES math...don't ask, I don't know), then went back inside. When he left me, he was a happy go lucky guy headed for his room to use the math workbook.

Fast forward again...ten minutes tops. Super Daddy exited the house and proclaimed that he didn't know what to do with the boys today! After a brief summary from my normally very patient spouse, I learned that the son who had left me full of grins had then immediately gone upstairs to the room he shares with the other son, walked up to other son, then proceeded to punch him! Needless to say, other son did not receive this with joy. In fact, other son-who is nearly twice his brother's size and weight, decided that punching him back was a fabulous idea. *SIGH* There is a hearty "no hitting" rule in our house. Super Daddy further informed me that the instigating son had locked himself in the bathroom to throw up. Okay, he locked himself in the bathroom to have a dramatic moment, but none the less, the hitting and hitting back was not acceptable behavior and needed to be addressed. While the instigator son was still in the bathroom, my other son came outside to me. We had a hearty discussion about not hitting, about Jesus commanding us to turn the other cheek, and about how hard the transition of his brother back into our home has been for everyone. He drove his remote control car around the immediate area for about ten minutes, then he also returned to the house. I finished throwing out the copious amount of accumulated trash and returned to the house. Nope, I never did find the power cord. I suspect Grandma's van or house, but we will have to search that later.

I went upstairs and began straightening up. Remember that twenty or so minutes before, my attachment challenged son informed me he did not want to hug or sit together? While I was doing some cleaning/straightening in the kids' bathroom, this same child and the aforementioned punching victim are playing with the remote control car in the hallway. Pretty soon, I see a small head peek in the bathroom, all smiles. The same son who did not want me to initiate hugs and snuggles earlier came in and asked me, "Can I give you a big, very nice hug Mom?" Absolutely you may kiddo! Praise God, you are understanding that it is okay to ask for hugs and to accept them when YOU are ready. Yes, please give me a hug! He pulled back and gave me a big smile. He said, "Did you hear me call you Mom?" Yes kiddo, I did. I heard you say Mom instead of my name. I heard it and it made me smile all the way from my hair to my toenails. :D "I love you Mom. I like to say I love you." OH sweet boy, I like to say it too.

So many parents, me included, hear "I love you" given freely every day from their children and never think a thing about it. Of course children love their parents. Of course parents love their children. But for kids with reactive attachment disorder or RAD spectrum, that love is scarier than anything they can imagine, because if they love you, you could hurt them too. You could choose to leave them, choose not to take care of them, choose to reject them. Maybe if they act awful enough, or ignore you long enough, you will just go away. They don't want you to go, but it would be familiar and less scary that way.

Fear...that was the other part of that conversation where he didn't want to hug me. He told me hugging me was scary. He told me getting our last name was scary. He apologized an inordinately, disproportionately large amount of times for losing the power cord. Me not getting mad was scary. His brother getting mad was scary. He did not have a CLUE what do with that fear, so he obsessed over the missing cord and how he was going to have to work to buy a new one. So for him to move past being afraid of all of those things, which boils down to being afraid to attach, to telling me he loved me, hugging me, and MEANING IT-not saying it as a reflex answer-is powerful and amazing.

Our son is healing...slowly, day by day, but he is healing, attaching, and growing. He is finding that his siblings and his parents love him, no matter whether he is having a great day or a lousy one, regardless of how loving he is or isn't, not because we are so great, but because God is great, good, and just and He lives through us. Sure, we blow it. We take over and say the wrong thing or react the wrong way, but we are forgiven and we make sure he knows he is forgiven too. Is there really any bigger blessing?