...and yet I feel sad today. Today I am missing my Granny, the kids' great Grandma Jet, and my oldest daughter, Christina and her son, Kevin. I am remarkably melancholy and hollow feeling today, and I don't know why. I am so blessed-blessed in ways I can't begin to explain, and today of all days should be the source of joy and happiness not sadness and stress.
Today is our fourth anniversary, and I am married to the most remarkable man on earth. Super Daddy is my best friend, my partner in all ways, and my rock. This brings me more joy than I can say, and I feel guilty that this alone isn't enough to lighten my mood today.
I think the biggest problem I am having today is that I am having a ridiculous amount of pain today, and have been for the last few days. Okay, fibromyalgia stinks, and there is always some degree of pain, but truly it is usually bearable. The last few days, it has been all I can do to do the things I HAVE to get done, and any thing extra has not been an option. I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to complete stupid and simple tasks that should not be beyond me. I am angry at this stupid disease. I'm angry that I had to deal with 25 years of pain and infertility crap, and now it seems I get to spend the rest of my life with this pain. I *know* I need to find my solace in God. I truly WANT to do this. I just don't know how to be thankful for this pain. I know I have it for a reason, but what that reason might be, I could not begin to guess. All I know is that I need to find a way to let go of this anger, and deal with the pain, because it is interfering with my life.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wow...and who would have dreamed...
that in two days things could change so much. Last week we got a call on Wednesday night that my oldest son, who is sixteen and had previously been living with my exhusband in another state, would be coming to our house to live until he becomes an adult. Our Thursday and Friday were spent running around like a loon, buying the things needed to move him in, move a few of the other kids around into different rooms to accommodate him coming, painting rooms, picking up things, taking people to the airport, picking people up...oh what a lot to do in just that short period of time. In those two days, I was blessed more abundantly than I could have imagined by so many people: my sons' dad who paid for all of the "stuff" needed to get the house physically ready, friends who helped paint until the wee hours of the night and built and unbuilt bunk beds, dressers, and other furniture, for case managers who plowed forward to make sure our paperwork was in order, for a husband who says "yes Lord" when asked to stretch himself farther than he thought he could before, and for children who eagerly and respectfully welcomed their brother home. Blessings everywhere in this life change. Oh, and possibly the biggest blessing of all: a sixteen year old boy who was able to say "Thanks for all you did in such a short period of time to make sure my room was ready for me to come live with you." From a kid on the attachment disorder spectrum, this was HUGE. Heck for a normal sixteen year old boy this was huge.
The end of the week last week/beginning of this week has looked like this:
Wednesday evening-find out B was coming to live with us
Thursday-Super Daddy flies to S. Texas to see his Grandpa, who was receiving hospice care while living at SD's mom's house; The Mama spent all day running for supplies, painting, and thanking God for the friends who stepped up and did more than I could have imagined. Very late, like nearly midnight, SD's plane arrives back in the DFW area and he comes home.
Friday-Super Daddy has a GRE prep class, because apparently his possession of a master degree from a prominent university is not proof enough that he can perform on a graduate level at this same university (He is in their PhD program in the same department and major). The Mama spends time prepping, picking up a bed, dropping off her sister in law The Marine at the airport to visit the same Grandpa, talking to SD's mom to give condolenscences as it sounds like Grandpa may not make it through the night. Picked up eldest son, B, from the airport. Victory! He likes the room we worked so hard on!
Saturday-Ah, Halloween. We had a "Trunk or Treat" event at our church which I wisely volunteered us all for months ago. SD had his second study class for the GRE, I hung with six very wound for sound kiddos. Literally 30 minutes before we were to be at the church, we got the call that Grandpa had passed. After a little snuggling, we decided to go to the party anyway. Cute kids in costumes can cure a lot of sadness, let me tell you!
Sunday-Super Daddy and younger daughter, Miss Diva, headed to see the horsies early, so as to make it to church on time. Then church. I was both disappointed and glad that we did not list off all of the Saints who had gone before us as we usually do. I am still very much grieving my Granny, and I am certain that I would not have been able to make it through that if we had, nor would SD, having just lost his Grandpa the day before. After church we drove SD to the airport so he could go on a two week business trip to the Middle East-never fear, he is in an ally nation, not a war zone.
Monday-spent the day running around to get B ready for school-applying for a new social security card, talking to the school, doing tuns of laundry, and a few other miscellaneous odds and ends. Spent some time watching a very silly BBC video on youtube with B. Discovered that Miss Linda's White Chili was a huge hit. Yay for cheap and easy food! :D Dry beans are becoming one of my favorite staples. You have to plan ahead, but they are cheap and feed an army.
So, dear reader, this is what you have missed in the last few days at our house. Oh...and the part I forgot...during that beginning of this time we were blessed with new friends who are about to bring their little son home (their first adoption and their first child...how does it get better?!). Our case manager, who by the way is in my eyes CaseManagerOfTheYear, asked us if our new friends could shadow our "more experienced" family for a few days to gain some practical training. Little did we, or they, know what they were getting into when we all agreed to this adventure! :D We were blessed abundantly with amazing new friends, who not only came to observe for their own training but pitched in and did anything and everything needed to make sure our son came home to a finished room (minus the flower fan being replaced...we will get to that later! LOL). I figure if those few days didn't scare them out of wanting to have children, nothing will. ;)
Super Daddy is always greatly missed by The Mama and the kids while he is gone on a business trip, but sometimes that homesickness just multiplies and takes on a life of its own. Little Man and Middle Son are both adjusting to SD being gone and B coming within days of one another. They have pulled out some pretty amazing stops and had some pretty horrid tantrums (mostly yesterday) but seem to have recovered now. Hallalujah. One of the things that The Mama can take for granted-though never intentionally-are the amazing tasks that Super Daddy undertakes daily to make sure the household runs smoothly, such as getting up at an unholy hour (at least to his night walking spouse), making sure The Diva gets her protein bar or something with enough protein to keep her sugar up and level for a while (thus ensuring a reasonable attitude, or at least a better one), and delivering Little Man and The Diva to school by 745 AM each morning. I am truly blessed. Maybe those things don't seem like big things to you, but to me they are monumental. They remind me daily that the head of our house is willing and able to do whatever is needed to love his family and that he sees us as worth the effort to stretch himself in the ways that show that to us.
I am tired and need to sleep. I have the song "Take My Hand, Precious Lord" stuck in my head. I have been singing it and signing it all day for two days. Anyone who knows me well can find the irony in that. I *love* that hymn, but it makes me cry each and every time I sing it, hear it, sign it, think about it. It has always effected me that way, same as "Amazing Grace" and "In the Garden" and "The Old Rugged Cross". They all remind me of my Granny, and did long before we sang them at her funeral. The other song we used for her funeral was Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine"-another one that makes me tear up. There are some things that make me tear up because they remind me of someone or something special, some things that are so amazing that I can't help but cry, and then sometimes it is just a day ending in "y". Before I get off on a complete tangent of songs that renew my spirit and remind me why I have faith in a God who died to the world so long ago, I am off to sleep. I will try to find the words to explain that one day, but today...time to sleep.
The end of the week last week/beginning of this week has looked like this:
Wednesday evening-find out B was coming to live with us
Thursday-Super Daddy flies to S. Texas to see his Grandpa, who was receiving hospice care while living at SD's mom's house; The Mama spent all day running for supplies, painting, and thanking God for the friends who stepped up and did more than I could have imagined. Very late, like nearly midnight, SD's plane arrives back in the DFW area and he comes home.
Friday-Super Daddy has a GRE prep class, because apparently his possession of a master degree from a prominent university is not proof enough that he can perform on a graduate level at this same university (He is in their PhD program in the same department and major). The Mama spends time prepping, picking up a bed, dropping off her sister in law The Marine at the airport to visit the same Grandpa, talking to SD's mom to give condolenscences as it sounds like Grandpa may not make it through the night. Picked up eldest son, B, from the airport. Victory! He likes the room we worked so hard on!
Saturday-Ah, Halloween. We had a "Trunk or Treat" event at our church which I wisely volunteered us all for months ago. SD had his second study class for the GRE, I hung with six very wound for sound kiddos. Literally 30 minutes before we were to be at the church, we got the call that Grandpa had passed. After a little snuggling, we decided to go to the party anyway. Cute kids in costumes can cure a lot of sadness, let me tell you!
Sunday-Super Daddy and younger daughter, Miss Diva, headed to see the horsies early, so as to make it to church on time. Then church. I was both disappointed and glad that we did not list off all of the Saints who had gone before us as we usually do. I am still very much grieving my Granny, and I am certain that I would not have been able to make it through that if we had, nor would SD, having just lost his Grandpa the day before. After church we drove SD to the airport so he could go on a two week business trip to the Middle East-never fear, he is in an ally nation, not a war zone.
Monday-spent the day running around to get B ready for school-applying for a new social security card, talking to the school, doing tuns of laundry, and a few other miscellaneous odds and ends. Spent some time watching a very silly BBC video on youtube with B. Discovered that Miss Linda's White Chili was a huge hit. Yay for cheap and easy food! :D Dry beans are becoming one of my favorite staples. You have to plan ahead, but they are cheap and feed an army.
So, dear reader, this is what you have missed in the last few days at our house. Oh...and the part I forgot...during that beginning of this time we were blessed with new friends who are about to bring their little son home (their first adoption and their first child...how does it get better?!). Our case manager, who by the way is in my eyes CaseManagerOfTheYear, asked us if our new friends could shadow our "more experienced" family for a few days to gain some practical training. Little did we, or they, know what they were getting into when we all agreed to this adventure! :D We were blessed abundantly with amazing new friends, who not only came to observe for their own training but pitched in and did anything and everything needed to make sure our son came home to a finished room (minus the flower fan being replaced...we will get to that later! LOL). I figure if those few days didn't scare them out of wanting to have children, nothing will. ;)
Super Daddy is always greatly missed by The Mama and the kids while he is gone on a business trip, but sometimes that homesickness just multiplies and takes on a life of its own. Little Man and Middle Son are both adjusting to SD being gone and B coming within days of one another. They have pulled out some pretty amazing stops and had some pretty horrid tantrums (mostly yesterday) but seem to have recovered now. Hallalujah. One of the things that The Mama can take for granted-though never intentionally-are the amazing tasks that Super Daddy undertakes daily to make sure the household runs smoothly, such as getting up at an unholy hour (at least to his night walking spouse), making sure The Diva gets her protein bar or something with enough protein to keep her sugar up and level for a while (thus ensuring a reasonable attitude, or at least a better one), and delivering Little Man and The Diva to school by 745 AM each morning. I am truly blessed. Maybe those things don't seem like big things to you, but to me they are monumental. They remind me daily that the head of our house is willing and able to do whatever is needed to love his family and that he sees us as worth the effort to stretch himself in the ways that show that to us.
I am tired and need to sleep. I have the song "Take My Hand, Precious Lord" stuck in my head. I have been singing it and signing it all day for two days. Anyone who knows me well can find the irony in that. I *love* that hymn, but it makes me cry each and every time I sing it, hear it, sign it, think about it. It has always effected me that way, same as "Amazing Grace" and "In the Garden" and "The Old Rugged Cross". They all remind me of my Granny, and did long before we sang them at her funeral. The other song we used for her funeral was Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine"-another one that makes me tear up. There are some things that make me tear up because they remind me of someone or something special, some things that are so amazing that I can't help but cry, and then sometimes it is just a day ending in "y". Before I get off on a complete tangent of songs that renew my spirit and remind me why I have faith in a God who died to the world so long ago, I am off to sleep. I will try to find the words to explain that one day, but today...time to sleep.
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