...and yet I feel sad today. Today I am missing my Granny, the kids' great Grandma Jet, and my oldest daughter, Christina and her son, Kevin. I am remarkably melancholy and hollow feeling today, and I don't know why. I am so blessed-blessed in ways I can't begin to explain, and today of all days should be the source of joy and happiness not sadness and stress.
Today is our fourth anniversary, and I am married to the most remarkable man on earth. Super Daddy is my best friend, my partner in all ways, and my rock. This brings me more joy than I can say, and I feel guilty that this alone isn't enough to lighten my mood today.
I think the biggest problem I am having today is that I am having a ridiculous amount of pain today, and have been for the last few days. Okay, fibromyalgia stinks, and there is always some degree of pain, but truly it is usually bearable. The last few days, it has been all I can do to do the things I HAVE to get done, and any thing extra has not been an option. I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to complete stupid and simple tasks that should not be beyond me. I am angry at this stupid disease. I'm angry that I had to deal with 25 years of pain and infertility crap, and now it seems I get to spend the rest of my life with this pain. I *know* I need to find my solace in God. I truly WANT to do this. I just don't know how to be thankful for this pain. I know I have it for a reason, but what that reason might be, I could not begin to guess. All I know is that I need to find a way to let go of this anger, and deal with the pain, because it is interfering with my life.
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2 comments:
Awww, I am going to be praying for you on this! I know how hard it is to find any good in these stupid diseases! You already know to seek God! Perhaps if you try to remember... you don't have to be thankful for the pain, just what you learn from it! You do not have to be happy all the time... allow yourself to grieve and rejoice in the fact that you can live in the state of JOY, yet feel sad at times!!! It is okay, and lastly allow your family and friends to comfort you and occasionally take care of you, we all need nurturing now and again! I hope your cloud passes swiftly so you feel brighter and I will be remembering you in prayer! xoxox
*hugs* Thanks Audra. You are so right! And what I would like to think I have learned from it all is a deeper empathy and understanding of the people around me-those with these cruddy illnesses and diseases, those who suffer infertility, those who wait for their adopted kiddos to come home, and those who mourn for the children who were never born. That was a particularly hard day, and sometimes throwing it all down "on paper" makes it go away. Suppose I should update soon so I don't sound like I'm still miserable. :D
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